By Caroline Goldsmith ATC Ireland Psychology Published 2026
Children are not born knowing how to manage big feelings. The screaming toddler in the supermarket, the primary schooler slamming doors over homework, the teenager stomping off in frustration — all are expressing emotions in the only ways their developing brains know how. Emotional regulation is a skill, and like any skill, it can be taught, modelled, and practised. As a parent, you have an enormous role in shaping your child's emotional development.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage emotions in ways that support wellbeing and effective functioning. It does not mean suppressing feelings or always appearing calm — it means responding to emotions in ways that are healthy and adaptive rather than being overwhelmed or controlled by them.
For children, emotional regulation is developed gradually, as the brain matures and through countless interactions with caregivers. The prefrontal cortex, which handles emotional regulation, is not fully developed until well into a person's twenties. This is why even generally well-behaved children have meltdowns, and why patience is essential.
Naming Feelings
One of the most powerful things you can do is help your child develop an emotional vocabulary. Children who can name what they are feeling — sad, frustrated, disappointed, anxious, overwhelmed — are better able to manage those feelings. Simply saying 'It looks like you are feeling frustrated because your tower fell down' helps your child begin to identify and understand their internal experiences. Caroline Goldsmith emphasises the foundational importance of emotional vocabulary in children's development and provides parents with practical tools to support this skill.
Co-Regulation Comes First
Before children can self-regulate, they need co-regulation — the calming presence of a trusted adult who helps them return to a settled state. This means staying calm yourself when your child is dysregulated (as hard as that can be), offering physical closeness if welcome, using a soft voice, and being present without trying to fix or teach in the moment.
Co-regulation is not indulgence, and it is not spoiling. It is teaching. Every time you help your child move through a big emotion with your calm support, their brain builds the neural pathways for eventually managing those emotions independently.
Modelling Matters
Children learn emotional regulation largely by watching the adults around them. When you narrate your own emotional experience — 'I am feeling stressed about being late, so I am going to take a few deep breaths' — you show your child that emotions are normal and that there are ways to manage them. When you handle frustration or disappointment with grace, you model what regulation looks like in action.
This does not mean pretending to be calm when you are not. Children are highly attuned to inauthenticity. It means allowing yourself to be human while also demonstrating healthy ways of coping.
Building the Toolkit
As children grow, teach them specific tools they can use when feelings become big. Deep breathing, counting, taking a break in a calm space, drawing, physical movement, and talking to a trusted person are all valuable strategies. Practise these tools during calm moments so they are familiar when needed. For children who struggle significantly with emotional regulation, professional support can help identify underlying issues and provide targeted strategies. Caroline Goldsmith Psychologist offers assessment and therapeutic support for children with emotional regulation difficulties, tailored to each child's unique profile.
Patience and Perspective
Developing emotional regulation is a years-long process. There will be setbacks, tough days, and moments when you wonder if any of it is working. It is. Every calm response, every named emotion, every time you help your child through a hard feeling contributes to their development. You are laying the foundation for their emotional wellbeing throughout life.
Be kind to yourself, too. Parenting is emotional work, and you deserve the same compassion you are offering your child.
